I graduated from college and have started full time at a museum I interned at for my degree. It's a local historical society, but it is exactly where I need to be. I am planning to start my master's in January. My trip to London started that goal. I learned so much more than I expected, and was changed so much by what I found. I am now hoping to get at least a master's degree in Women's History and devote a serious portion of my life writing the histories that went forgotten because of gender.
Ethan and I got married in May. Finally. It rained and flooded, people were trapped, I had to get married inside, and it was perfect. Totally perfect.
Well, almost perfect. The adoptive family decided not to come. I begged them to come and celebrate with us, and I mis-stepped and scared them off. I made the mistake of asking them to be in the wedding as flower girl and ring bearer. It was too far, I see that now, but at the time I was determined to surround myself by the people I loved most on such a big occasion. We chose to not have a flower girl or ring bearer because I didn't want to imagine anyone else. I felt their absence dearly.
I couldn't even talk about it for a few months-them not wanting to come. It really hurt my feelings. And not because she is my daughter or anything like that, but because I suddenly realized that I value that family a lot more than they value me. The kids are young, it's a tender age, and their lives are easier without someone with a complicated relationship like mine and my husband's confusing them along the way. And our families would have been hard on them; all saying the wrong things and making them feel awkward. Even still, I just wanted to see them that day merely because I got to see all my other favorite people that day. At this point I feel more like an old baby sitter who is just excited to see a family I care about rather than a birth mother.
The tough thing about such a relationship is this: it is so so easy to mess up. Sometimes I find myself holding back from reaching out to say 'hi' just because I'm scared I'll do something wrong. And it's not a conscious thing of the family, it's instinctive to be so careful with such a relationship. Unfortunately, I am human, and I say the wrong thing and come on too strong sometimes. She is so young and so easily influenced and so her family is careful. They've been hurt before by their relationship with their other birthmother. It's been about a year and half since we saw them last. She will be three in November. I've missed half of how much she's grown since I set her in her mother's arms.
But that's okay. There will be a day when we will get to be closer and I can tell that little girl just how special her and her brother are to me. Until then, the occasional care package to them and the photo nestled on my desk between pictures of other loved ones will have to do.
