Shameless

        I am generally a shameless lady. This can offend people at times, but I find it to be a gift from God. Why should I be ashamed? What am I going to accomplish with that? Shame has always baffled me, though. I mean, I have struggled with shame, but it is different. The shame is almost never for myself. I would feel ashamed of my mother more than anything else, usually. But one day, I just let it go. What do I care if others think I should feel bad for things that I do or that happen to me? It is a waste of time, usually. People have told me how impressed they were at me for going to church while I was pregnant. I was terrified at first, but not because of shame. I was worried I was going to have to get ugly with someone if anything was said. Of course, after the baby came, things were said and I did feel shame. But it wasn't for me and my situation. It was for the woman who said it.
      I think my lack of shame stems from this: to me, shame is of the devil. It, like offense, is yet another thing that brings us away from God. Feeling badly over things you've been forgiven for, that have already happened, is taking you away from what Jesus is trying to show you now. It is another way the world gets in between us. And it's a waste of time.  I thank God for this misunderstanding of this emotion. You won't find me, head down and sullen over events that are too late to change.  If you're a Birth Mother, please do not be ashamed. God chose you, because you are strong, to bless a family in desperate need. You are such a gift to these people. Do not hide from your church or from your friends and family, just because you are wearing the evidence of your sin. It is literally growing into the biggest blessing you could bestow on another family. And a willingness to talk about it will help you so much in the long run. People will understand your situation so much more, they will get a better look at the gift of adoption, and their respect for you will grow so much in the wake of your love for this child. I am not pretending it's easy, but wasting time on shame certainly won't help. And I thank God for His help in that.

Other Babies

          Naturally, as a birth mother, sometimes seeing other babies can be really hard on me. There is that base instinct of jealousy, of my body going "where is mine" that sometimes tries to take me over. It can be hard sometimes, I will admit that openly. But the worst part, the absolute most frustrating part of seeing other children is the face of people who know what I am struggling with when I get close to a child. It is such a worried look of "oh sweetie, are you going to be able to handle this?" Of course I am! I would not take the kid or hold it or make faces if I could not handle it. I would not just fall apart and start crying or try to steal the kid. I am not crazy! And I am a functioning human being. Most of the time. If I were to have any issues I would simply exit the room and go be alone with my feelings and my prayers. I always ask God for peace if I am having a hard time seeing other children. Peace, because the trouble is not of the logical part of me, it is merely part of the grief.
        And I pray for my own future children. I am excited for that time, I won't lie. But I will wait until I am able to be financially responsible for them, I can assure you of that. I love children. They can drive me CRAZY at times, but I do like to be around them. I had the fun of babysitting for the church I worked at over the summer in the evenings and it was great. Ethan was also doing it, so we got to test our abilities as a team. We are very good. And very not ready for that responsibility yet. We would both be so tired after only a few hours. I can not imagine doing it 24/7 anytime soon. However, I do want kids. When I have more patience. I do find myself thanking God for the ability to dream of the family I will have. It is such a luxury that many couples struggle with. However, God always makes a way (I would know). It may not be all that I want to be remembered as, but I do want to be a mother someday, a proper one. And a wife. But that's a different story.