Other Babies

          Naturally, as a birth mother, sometimes seeing other babies can be really hard on me. There is that base instinct of jealousy, of my body going "where is mine" that sometimes tries to take me over. It can be hard sometimes, I will admit that openly. But the worst part, the absolute most frustrating part of seeing other children is the face of people who know what I am struggling with when I get close to a child. It is such a worried look of "oh sweetie, are you going to be able to handle this?" Of course I am! I would not take the kid or hold it or make faces if I could not handle it. I would not just fall apart and start crying or try to steal the kid. I am not crazy! And I am a functioning human being. Most of the time. If I were to have any issues I would simply exit the room and go be alone with my feelings and my prayers. I always ask God for peace if I am having a hard time seeing other children. Peace, because the trouble is not of the logical part of me, it is merely part of the grief.
        And I pray for my own future children. I am excited for that time, I won't lie. But I will wait until I am able to be financially responsible for them, I can assure you of that. I love children. They can drive me CRAZY at times, but I do like to be around them. I had the fun of babysitting for the church I worked at over the summer in the evenings and it was great. Ethan was also doing it, so we got to test our abilities as a team. We are very good. And very not ready for that responsibility yet. We would both be so tired after only a few hours. I can not imagine doing it 24/7 anytime soon. However, I do want kids. When I have more patience. I do find myself thanking God for the ability to dream of the family I will have. It is such a luxury that many couples struggle with. However, God always makes a way (I would know). It may not be all that I want to be remembered as, but I do want to be a mother someday, a proper one. And a wife. But that's a different story.