God is so funny sometimes. He is always so ready and willing to answer your fears and doubts, if you'd just be willing to open your eyes. Over the past few weeks, I've been somewhat mourning my dreams of being an actress, of performing and making beautiful things. It has been a bit painful, too, seeing as that dream consumed me for most of my high school years. And, well, I'm surrounded by people who perform. Constantly, people in my life are getting to showcase their gifts and be recognized for how they've grown and learned. I used to be that way. But now that I am a History Major, no one really asks about how I'm doing, or even what I'm doing or learning about, and let me tell you, I'm doing some pretty neat stuff. However, I know people don't want to see me perform a history lesson or showcase my knowledge of Roman Slavery or something.
Honestly, I'm just vain enough to miss the lights, the makeup, the costumes, the immortal words I would spend months of my life cultivating into something for people to see. And I miss the praise and recognition of my talent. I'm vain enough to think I was pretty good. Also, there is something so therapeutic about stepping out of yourself for a while and putting on someone else's shoes. Don't get me wrong, I am not shutting the door on acting all together. I hope to be involved in a community theatre or something when I can, and I'm still minoring in theatre, but right now my life is just not going in that direction.
Last week on our way back to school, I was finally expressing my fears to Ethan, that I am no longer making anything beautiful with my life, and God was really quick to answer me on that one. As soon as I finished telling him this, I got an email from another birth mother who had found this blog and thanked me for what I had written. BAM! As I cried into my chicken nuggets at McDonald's, I knew that God was with me on this one. It's nice to know that writing down my feelings in a somewhat public forum counts as a beautiful thing. However, that doesn't mean that I don't want to take this a step further. I would really like to be able to write a book, or several, or just keep my eyes peeled for opportunities to talk not only to other birth mothers, but other women of God as well. I'd like to find a bigger platform to speak from. In the mean time, I'm grateful to live in a time where I can express myself here, on a blog. No matter how small I think it is, it means the world to me if it just helps a single person on their walk with God. Lord knows how much this blog has helped me.