Holidays

    As I reflect on the holiday I just wrapped up and look forward to the one ahead, I realized that no matter who you are, holidays are a bigger source of stress the older you get. However, as a Birth Mother, I realize that holidays can be harder for specific reasons, for those touched by adoption. I have found that unfailingly, there will always be a family member or acquaintance around that just doesn't get it. By that I mean, there will be someone who asks ignorant or insensitive questions. Always. And I don't blame them for it, specifically, but it does lend some stress to those of us experiencing grief.
     There are those who just ask the stupid questions, such as "So how is that baby? Oh that's right, you didn't want her" (which hasn't happened to me, for the record), or "Will they let you talk to her, when she's older?" or "So how did that work, again?". Those aren't the worst, but it can be exhausting after a while. A bad one was someone talking about how "Marriage is FIRST, and then you kids can starting having babies." Whoops.
    And then there are those who pretend that I didn't sign away my rights to the child and they still have a relationship with her. My mother is a good example of this. My mom was a source of stress to me in of herself, but the baby didn't help. She really likes to think that she will be allowed to have a relationship with the baby someday, which is as far from reality as it gets. When I see her I am inundated with questions and comments and requests to see pictures, which is okay, I suppose, but I have a hard time remembering she is technically the child's grandmother. I guess after the judge granted official guardianship to my aunt and uncle when I was 17, I officially wrote her off in my head, too. But that's another story for a different day. It just is an awkward situation to find yourself in, being asked by relatives who don't actually care enough to know what it is really like.
     After the relatives, there is your own self to deal with. And the relatives closest expressing how much they wish things were different, too. It's hard to see the grandmother of the child you chose to give up talk about how much she wished she were closer with the baby.  Honestly it made me realize how glad I am that all my grandparents are already with Jesus. I fear how my own grandmother would have reacted to such a situation. And my grandfather. Yikes, thinking about it gives me chills. I don't think I could handle the passive-aggressive guilt trips or questions or being snubbed by them. I know it's odd to be grateful that loved ones are dead, but it's out of my own selfish fear of their opinions of me changing.
    I think that itself is why seeing my family that is still alive is so scary to me: their opinions of me. I'm the youngest in the family, and the first dumb enough to get pregnant. Even though I chose to do "an admirable thing" as everyone tells me I did, I am sure they think differently of me, how could they not? I hope they think better of me in the wake of the adoption, but I doubt they really pay much attention.  I really fear what they think of me, as everyone does, really. These people have a lot of embarrassing stories on me, and I just hope they think well of me enough not to spread them to the world. you know? Is that secretly the goal of getting along with relatives? I mean I love them and all, but really, I was an idiot kid.
     I love my family. They are...well, my family. The one God gave me. They helped shape who I am, and always guarantee an interesting, if not somewhat stressful holiday meal. Though there are lots of areas of hurt for all of us, laughter is ensured at the table when we gather around it, and that was what I was really grateful for this year: laughter. It is such a great healer. Though it's been a long year, with lots of stressful moments, I always have a weapon to combat that stress, be it a giggle, a snort, or an awful, ugly guffaw. Honestly, I think laughter might be one of God's greatest gifts. At least, it's the one that gets me through the holidays.