Trust

      The biggest lesson God taught me through all of this is to trust. It started with my parents. As a girl from an abusive and broken home, it was very hard for me to trust anyone, especially since I was sexually abused when I was sixteen by a guy whom I was acquainted with and my own mother called me a "lying little bitch" (one of her favorites) and said that she would testify against me if this was brought to court. This was a few months after literally trying to strangle me because I wasn't cleaning the kitchen fast enough for her. I came to school with a black eye and bite marks (yes, bite marks) and that's when my most beloved teacher got involved and reported the incident. Thankfully, that's when my parents came in. I had been living with my Aunt and Uncle off and on for a couple of years, but when this all came out, they decided it was time to take permanent guardianship of me. I am so incredibly grateful to them. I honestly do not know where I would be without those wonderful, graceful, loving people in my life. And the miracle is, I have trusted my aunt since the first day I met her, I was about four years old. In my life, I had never had a maternal figure who understood me as well as she does. I am so grateful to God that this woman is in my life, and in my family, because on the whole, she makes all of us better. As for my Uncle, he has always been the outstanding father figure in my life, being the first man to hold me and my own father going to jail when I was nine for unpaid child support and dying two years later. I can always trust him for a laugh or help when I need it, and I am so very grateful to him for that.

        And then Ethan came along. Right after I got to a point where I said to myself "I'm a senior. I don't need a boy to muck up the works and distract me while I'm trying to get into college." He saw me in a play and we talked while we were striking the set after. Apparently, he couldn't sleep- I was keeping him up! Me! The funny thing is, we sat next to one another in our tenth grade chemistry class and never said a word to one another.God is just funny that way sometimes, I suppose. Anyway, we talked for a few weeks and our senior English teacher moved us next to one another. I am convinced she was doing some matchmaking. Then he asked me to lunch one day and surprised me with a rose and asked me to be his girlfriend. I was so overwhelmed and so surprised, I had no idea he even liked me! However, something in me told me very clearly to say yes to him, and I did. I was so surprised by him. His childhood is the polar opposite of mine- the oldest son from a loving, warm family. Quite honestly, he scared me to death. A few days after he asked me out, he took me to a coffee shop and asked me to tell him all of it. My whole story. He wanted to know about the abuse and the loneliness and how I found God through the after school ministry I volunteered at. He didn't judge me, or recoil at what I said. He just listened. And genuinely cared. And then he revealed his own struggles to me and how he fights them daily, too. In hindsight, it was amazing. Just amazing, this level of honesty. I had never experienced that with anyone else. Not even my family wanted to hear every gory detail, but this then boy did. However, in the moment, I was absolutely terrified. I broke up with him about a month after we started dating. It wasn't that I didn't like him, I liked him very much. It was that he scared me. I had never been pursued that way before. I also blame the tongues of snakes whispering in my ears to break up with him- some not very good friends who talked me into it. However, within a few short months, I stopped talking to those people and cleared my head and my heart and started being friends with Ethan. I grew to trust him so much. I was heartbroken when he asked another girl to go to prom with him and be his girlfriend. However, I had the perfect prom with all my acting friends. Very soon after prom the girl dumped Ethan, quite rudely I might add (perhaps I'm biased, however), and we were spending more and more time together. I was his first girlfriend. I'm not his only one, but I'm his first. And I'm praying his last. We got back together, but kept it quiet for a while, but I doubt anyone didn't know before we made it public. We took months and months just to kiss. It was so strange to me, as someone who under the influence of older teenagers, was taught how to kiss when I was just twelve years old. Kisses meant nothing to me by the time Ethan came along. Until I had to wait for them. They're so special to me now. Each and every one of them. Before I became pregnant, I had learned to trust Ethan with all my heart. Which was just the first step.
        When I did find out I was six months pregnant, it was God's turn to teach me how to trust. Before then, I was always such a worrier, worrying about money and bills and college and where I was going to end up and how I was going to get there, etc. I would have panic attacks over what I would wear to school, I was so stressed out all the time. Then, in the scariest situation I have ever been in, I naturally started praying. And it worked. I had to start trusting God to get me and Ethan and the baby exactly where He wanted us, and something inside me kind of awoke and went "seeing as God is the Divine Creator and Master of this universe, I'm pretty sure he can handle this one. " That sort of strange peace that He is in charge filled my life. I relaxed. I prayed. I enjoyed how lazy I got to be while I was so fat. And I trusted Him. And I still do. I know He will get me where I am meant to be and it will be in a way that I would never imagine on my own. Because He is better than whatever scenario runs through my little human head. I cannot wait to see what He has in store for Ethan and I, but in the mean time, I am going to enjoy myself in this newly found peace that has filled my life. It has been such a blessing of His to change my life this way. And really, who could argue with that?