Burdens

        I will be the first to admit that one of my major flaws is my constant fear of being a burden: to anyone at all at any time in any way whatsoever. It can consume me from time to time, and it can also really hurt my relationships with other people. I would rather be alone and by myself than with people, thinking I am in the way.
        This really stems from the fact that I have never truly fit in anywhere. There are anecdotes about me as a child screaming to my mother and sister about how they'll never understand because, I'll quote myself, "I'm not like you people." At the time, in my six or seven year old head in the heat of my melodramatic battle, I blamed this difference on being left-handed, adding to the cuteness of the anecdote, but I did have a point. I was a rather lonely child. Yes, I had my mother, father, and sister for a time, but most of the time my parents fought using my sister as their weapon and largely left me to my own devices, an afterthought, a burden. I knew very early on I was different from them, but I wasn't yet able to see why.
      After I left my mother's home, I went to live with my Aunt and Uncle, and once again, did not quite fit in. Obviously, they were and are incredible parents who I know love and care for me, but it could never really be the same as with their own children. Logically, unemotionally speaking, my aunt and uncle weren't actively seeking another mouth to feed and care for, they weren't out in search of a child to take in. They took me in because they felt they were morally obligated to stop the abuse I was suffering at the hands of my mother. I know they love me, but I was undoubtedly a burden. And I could tell. To my biased eyes, where they were somewhat lenient with their own kids about getting jobs and getting out the house or when they got in trouble, they were just harder on me. And Christmases and birthdays were always a bit different for me as well. Whereas it was expected for the kids to get lots of gifts from all over the family, it was a big deal that I got gifts under the tree, too. Because I had not always had gifts under their tree. It was just different. And birthdays were different as well. Gifts were hard for me. I never dared ask for anything very expensive, in fact, I rarely asked for anything at all. I did not want to be a burden to my parents on their holiday budget for the kids, or their budget in general, for that matter.
     And now that Ethan's family has also tried to invite me into their home, I am once again feeling burdensome. I really worry I wear their patience thin. I know in my heart I am always welcome at the dinner table, yet my head really tries to convince me otherwise. I am terribly paranoid about being a burden to any of the people God has placed in my life to care about me.
       I was so grateful this Christmas when I saw that I, too, had a stocking on Ethan's family's mantel. I was touched. Really and truly touched that these people welcomed me into one of the most sacred of family traditions: Christmas morning. I was over at six to open presents with them, and was so blessed to have gifts under the tree, but once again, the pit of my stomach told me I was being a burden.
      Christmas is simply a hard time for me. I love the Christmas season and the lights and the love and the coming together of families, but, this year included, it is just hard for me. It not only reminds me how much of a burdensome parasitic life I have lead, but it is also just one of those rare times when I am sad that I was not meant to have a traditional family on Christmas. I rarely mourn the lack of true mother and father in my life, but Christmas is just one of those. I am also reminded of the Christmases I had growing up, whether it be when my father was alive and he fought with my mother, or when I was with my mother and we had to cancel Christmas because she blew all our money on things we didn't want or need, or with my aunt and uncle, where I was a burden. This Christmas especially irked me, because I was unable to get gifts for anyone. It's not that I am obsessed with the commercial idea of reciprocity, but really that I love giving gifts so much more than getting them. I love excuses to try to show people how much I care for them, and I was unable to do that this year. Christmas is a time of year that reminds me how dirt poor I have been my entire life. Simple as that. Poor monetarily, and poor family-wise as well.
      This feeling of being a burden and not belonging is probably a huge reason why I am so eager to marry Ethan. I am ready to have a home where I actually belong, gifts under a Christmas tree that truly belong there, and pictures with me in them hanging on the walls. I am so ready to be done having this feeling in the pit of my stomach that tells me how annoying, frustrating, and easily forgotten I am. Because that is the real fear of it all. How easily I could be gotten rid of from all these people who care for me. Their ties to me are not as strong as those forged by mother or father. I have been alone for my entire life, and I look forward to having someone on my team who has pledged to God to never fling me aside no matter what.
         Until that time comes where I can get married, I am still an outsider. I have, my whole twenty years on this Earth, been waiting to feel like I belong somewhere. The only place I really truly feel like I am not in the way is when I am alone with God. It's why I like him so much. It is why I would rather be alone than annoy people with my presence. He always cares. He was absolutely right by my side on Christmas morning as I tried to quietly cry into my makeup bag as I got ready for my family's gift exchange. He didn't mind caring for me while I selfishly mourned my silly fears and failings instead of celebrated the coming of His son. With Him, I am never a burden.