Dreams

     This post is a little weird, but bear with me. I am trying to go on a trip to London this May, and I am saving for it and fundraising and the whole bit. And I am worrying myself because I keep having dreams about it. I fear that if I fail to save enough and go, I have already gotten myself too attached to it, if only on a subconscious level.
       I really believe that the dreams of women can say a lot. I think that is why they get so vivid and intense during pregnancy. The hormones you are full of are just a cocktail of crazy town for dreams, but they're important. In your vulnerable dream state, you experience the fears and aspirations you think about while awake. I had CRAZY pregnancy dreams about the weirdest things, but they stemmed from thoughts I worried about while I was awake. It's an obvious occurrence, really. But I am curious why my dreams have stayed so vivid and consuming now that the pregnancy hormones have had over a year to escape my poor brain. And the other mothers I talk to also have crazy dreams from time to time. I think God had a reason for it.
      My dream about London really confronted me with the reality that I either need to calm down about this trip and keep my heart in check, or I need to go ahead and put all my eggs in that basket and deal with the chance of failure. It is dangerous to dream about your dreams.
      To all the pregnant women out there, especially the ones considering adoption, please allow me to give you a warning no one else gave me: your dreams are incredibly dangerous. Your pregnancy hormones wreak havoc on your logic in dreams. They play on your biggest fears about the baby, and they can really do a number on you. I had so many many many dreams about changing my mind, keeping the baby, and running off into the sunset away from the problems and fear of what would happen. These were so hard on me. It is hard to get your head back in the right area after your brain paints you vivid illusions of things that could never work out that way. I can't tell you how many times I woke up and just cried because I figured out it was not real, or it was just too hurtful to deal with.
     I still find myself having to pray right before bed sometimes for peace in my head, because if  I don't I'll just have a string of nightmares night after night. Once you are pregnant, your dreams will never be the same. They might become less frequent after the baby, but they'll never go back to the way they were before. Perhaps it's just me, though.
   I pray I will make it to London. I really pray my subconscious will calm down about it, but I am going all in on this opportunity. I know if I put my heart in it, the worst thing that can happen is a few nightmares and some disappointment. I'll never have a chance like this again, and I need to take that leap. I know God is always around to catch me, or help pick me up when I fall. Guard yourself from your dreams, or at least be careful about them. They're a dangerous place to lose yourself in.