Consideration

           As I look back and process those few days I had in the hospital, I notice something that I wish I hadn't done. I wish I wouldn't have been so considerate. Don't get me wrong, I was very glad that everyone who came to see us all in the hospital got to meet her, but in my drugged and exhausted state, I often felt incredibly overwhelmed. I mean, it was all day, 10 a.m. to 9:30 at night or later, there were people traipsing in and out and I had to play pass the baby over and over again. And I wasn't brave enough to say, "no thank you, I would rather I got to hold her now." Or, "I really think you have had enough time with her, may I have her so we can nap?" I do not know why I didn't. But I didn't. I let her go to everyone but me. Sometimes I ask God why I had to have a c-section. The pain medications I was on really left so much of that infinitesimally tiny time I had with her so foggy. And it makes me so sad. Of course, I'm sure even if I didn't need the pain medications, my hormones would have fogged my brain. But that concept just is so saddening to me. That no matter what, I was never meant to be mentally clear in the time I had her. I would have done so much more. It makes me so grateful that her parents gave us an extra night with her. It was really just because I was having a rough time recuperating,  and I'm sure that could be in part  because I didn't get much of a chance to rest. I think one of my favorite times in the hospital was when it was just the baby, her mother, and I. Ethan got cabin fever and wanted to go out with his family, so I called Rachel and asked her to come be with us. It was so peaceful and comforting to me to spend time with these two wonderful beings just as they started their lives with one another. I learned so much just watching all of the other mothers who came take care of that little one. And I am very grateful for that.

If there is one thing I can encourage any birth mother to do it is this: take your time. I don't care if any one's feelings are hurt, if some relative that really won't have a relationship with the child wants to take up the only time you have got for them to be yours, do not let them. As long as you are still in the hospital, you are still in charge. It's your party. As for the adoptive parents, see them with the child. God will give you the comfort of seeing them and show you how wonderful this situation can be if you look outside yourself and start looking at the blessings God has showered you with. They will understand if you need a little more time with the child. I assure you.

As for me, I think next time we will have a waiting line for people who want to see us. I can't handle ten people at once again. So if you're planning on showing up, in the years from now when that will happen, be prepared to take a number.

I am so grateful that I had so many people to care and who wanted to see the child. Even if I was overwhelmed and drugged and tied to a bed in the most exhausted state I have ever been in. Even if I am sad I wasn't more forceful. God reminds me that I still have a relationship with that little girl. That I will see her again. Because that is just how blessed I am and how loving and wondrous open adoption can be. And I thank God so much for that.