Grief

I fear that sometimes people think that I am perfectly fine with everything. That I have fully processed this loss and that I am healed with God's strength. And though sometimes, even I think that is the case, I still fall apart from time to time. It's when I am alone is the most dangerous for my rationality and happiness. That little Pandora's Box that follows me around will open up and consume me completely for a little while. Like today for instance. I am going to have to fight my grief until I make it to sleep tonight, because I know that Ethan and his family are headed to that sweet little house in Texas to dine and converse and be with the family that I wish I could see everyday. While I sit here, alone, wishing so much that I could see them, too. It's not that I'm sad I wasn't invited on their family vacation- frankly, I wouldn't want to go. It's that they all get to see her. And touch her. And kiss her. And them. And her brother. And I just experience pure, irrational grief over that idea. I don't know why it hurts me so much. And I know that they aren't going to see her just to hurt me. I know that this was the best time for them to see her. But the fact remains: it hurts me. Quite a lot, actually.

Never wanting to be a nuisance

I never want to be a nuisance. I hate feeling that I am in the way or that I am a bother to anyone. I think that in the long-run, however, this fear of being a burden hurts my relationships. I feel that sometimes I overdo it and therefore lose touch because I am too scared to annoy people. I do this with my own parents, my aunt and uncle. I always try to give them space, because I know how much they like being in one another's company, and I hate feeling like I'm in the way of their time together. However, this has, I think, alienated me somewhat from them, especially since I went to college and am never home anyway. In the same way, I almost never talk to the baby's mother. It's not that I don't want to talk to her, I do, very much, and quite often. But I don't want to get in the way. She has a baby and a son who is almost three to keep up with, for goodness sake! I just don't want to elbow my way in and make anyone feel uncomfortable with my presence, especially a relationship as delicate as the birth mother/ adoptive mother is. I just don't want to screw up, and in the end that prevents me from taking a chance at all.

The reality of the sadness

This is incredibly important to understand: I do not grieve because she lives with that family. I do not grieve because she isn't mine. I do not grieve because I regret giving her up. I grieve because the loss I've experienced is almost like having a child die. It's pure sadness. I am just sad. That is it. There is no hidden reason. I am sad. But then, I remember that God is there with me, holding me as I cry in the dark, and I remember that I will survive. That this sadness I feel has a huge silver lining. That I helped make my newest favorite family whole. And those tears of pain turn to joy as I try to pick myself up, close the lid of the box, and continue on until the next time the pain catches me. It's a daily battle. Don't get me wrong, when I smile and gush about how wonderful I feel and how much God has blessed me, I'm not lying. I honestly am happier than I ever have been before in my short time here on Earth. But that doesn't mean that magically my hormones will go away. Or that it won't sting from time to time when I see how much she has grown since the last picture I got. That is being human. I alone am not the strength in this equation. It is all God. All of it. And I am so grateful for it. I am grateful for the grief. I think it helps remind me how much I love that little girl and that family God has blessed. It helps me process her absence from my life. And it helps me turn to God in my sadness and have Him fill my heart with the peace and comfort that gets me through my days. It hurts to grieve. But no matter what anyone says to me, I always feel better on the other side. Because I love them. and her. And Ethan. And most of all, God and what he has done for me. Because it's so much better than anything I ever expected.