My body

I think one of the scarier things looming over my pregnant, hormonal brain was my appearance. As I ballooned more and more I got so terrified I would never look the same again. That I would never get the weight off. That the baby weight would cling to me like my sadness and every one would who met me would still see what I had just gone through. I know it's vane of me, but I won't pretend that pride isn't my biggest fault. I was an acting student at the time: I had to look good. And Ethan being the sweet, wonderful, sympathetic man he is, and my partner in crime, he gained almost as much weight as I did. It was hard for both of us after the excuse was gone. We started going to the gym and tried to eat better, but progress was slow, at least at first. I cheated; I dropped quite a lot of weight as soon as we left the hospital, but Ethan had to struggle with it. It was so admirable of him, though. A few months ago he started counting his calories and trying to make a change in his life. When I asked him why, he said, "because I want to look good enough to deserve you." Wow. I love that man. It pushed me (slowly, I'll admit) to start counting my own calories and trying to get more active. And I must say, I am so glad that I did. I am so much happier with the way I look than I did at the beginning of the summer. Now, I'm not saying I'm happy because I look hot or sexy or skinny. I am happy because I feel good. Because I fit into the size I want. Because I look good enough to deserve Ethan. And because I look the way I picture myself in my head. It's a wonderful feeling. Immediately after having my girl, I was at about 150 pounds. Now I'm at a very comfortable 120. It feels so great! However, I'm not saying I am the same as I was before. I have changed, and I can't ever go back, but I am not ashamed of my stretch marks like I was (that does NOT mean I will ever show them off) or the scars I bear. I am different. But that's okay. I was so scared I would never feel beautiful again, and I still have days that I don't. But it takes one look from that man who loves me to reassure me that I really, truly am a beautiful creation of God. And really, what more could I ask for?