Her Family

The Worries I Had for God

I was so fearful in the beginning of this process. I had no trust for what God had in mind for me. I was so scared, especially after talking to my boyfriend's parents about it. They were furious. I honestly didn't expect to be welcome in their house anymore. They were such a perfect family before I besmirched their image with a bastard child from their only son. His father was an Elder at church, his mother a huge leader in the women's ministry. And I thought they hoped I would only be a phase in their son's life. Me, the damaged goods from a broken and abusive home, wild and free from restraint. The fearless, wild-haired girl who couldn't be talked into dressing or acting like the demure church mouse of a girl I was sure they had in mind. Their immediate reaction: talk to the pastor of the church. Then we had a meeting. Ethan's sisters were kicked out of the house and we sat down so I could show them the murky sonogram of the fruit of sin growing inside me. His mother wanted to keep her for herself, but I never would have gone for that. They presented us with options (as if they were in charge-much to my disdain); 1)immediate marriage and dropping out and raising this girl, or 2) adoption. I told them of the family I already knew was hoping to adopt another child and how I felt that this is where we were meant to go. But I, too, was scared. What if they didn't want me to know the child? What if I didn't like their parenting? What if they spoiled her and she grew to be a terrible person? What if I didn't like the couple themselves? What would I do?

God's plans are always beyond our wildest dreams

I was so nervous when we finally met them. I had spoken to her once on the phone and the adoption agent had already met with us and gone through the initial paperwork and then discussed with us the psychological repercussions of what we were planning to do. They wanted to spend most of the day with us. I was so excited. And they brought their son, a two year old whom they had also adopted. And as we went about our fun day of breakfast and a museum and dinner together, I began to understand that God had his hands on this situation, fully. I loved them. They are such wonderful, loving, intelligent people who care so much for the children they thought they couldn't have. And I love them. I wish sometimes I lived closer to them. Not to see my girl, but to have lunch with her once in a while. To invite them to dinner from time to time. She really is such a wonderful and inspiring woman, whom I know loves those children just as much as a person can. When I was in labor, she stood on one side of me, my love on the other, and she said to me that she was so sorry I was going through all this pain. It was unfathomable to me. This woman, who had been through fertility treatments and miscarriages and years of waiting for God's intended man to find her, and she was sorry that I was in the pain of labor? I told her how glad I was that I could do it for her. And I meant it. I am so grateful to God for the part I got to play in answering this couple's prayers. It is the most meaningful thing I have done with my life thus far, and it has changed me to the core of my being.

The "mistake"

The hardest part of this has been trying to get people to understand how much I don't regret what actions I took, or the situation that arose. People asked a few weeks after I had her if I had "learned my lesson yet". I was floored, and so offended. I do not regret entering that kind of relationship with the man I know God intended me to be with. I do not regret getting pregnant. And most of all, I have never, not for a moment, regretted giving her to that family. She was their's from the get-go. She was never intended to be all mine. And I think God gave me that understanding early on. And I am so incredibly grateful for that. This was all part of a plan much bigger than myself, or my sin. If the baby's mother had never met my aunt's parents, I wouldn't have known them. If my mother hadn't introduced my uncle to my aunt and if they had never gotten married, I wouldn't have lived with them in high school and loved God the way I do. If I hadn't been cast in every play I tried out for in high school, or if his sister hadn't been cast, we wouldn't have talked while tearing down the set that night and God wouldn't have kept him up thinking about me, we would never have even dated. There are so many little 'what-ifs' that could have changed this story, but God put them all together for a reason. And she is the reason; a perfect little bundle of laughs and smiles that melts the heart of all who meet her. And I thank God everyday for that.